1 Step Forward, 5 Steps Back

Updated: Nov 30, 2021

My partner in crime is back on the road for work and this adjustment is not something I prepared for. I didn't think I really needed too. He'd only been living living here for 4 months. But a lot of fucking life happened in those 4 months.

I've had to start locking the door again. This being the first time EVER in the apartment without either of my beloved boys. This time I'm talking about Moose. I thought he was a nightmare, he was reactive and protective, he would've fought to the death for me and that is a sense of protection I miss feeling. Also the bed, is so fucking empty with just me in it. (Pilot is currently crate training)

It makes me giggle going back a few months laughing at Moose and Gabe fighting for bed space. Some of the greatest memories coming from their inability to share. I catch myself daily, tear running down cheek with a half smile, thinking about all the great memories shared with that dog. For people that have lost pets too young or very suddenly I want to share this with you cause it brought so much comfort to me. It is said when a dog is taken from us too young or too soon it is needed much more to accompany a child than it is needed by its owner. I know that was my Moose.

Between Moose and Gabe being gone it's too quiet. (Yes Pilot is always here, but losing your best friend, and absolute shadow is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.) Moose was great at waking me up in the morning, telling me when it was bed time and everything else in between. He was the thing I was most proud of, and still am. I didn't want this post to be a BIG I miss Moose over and over again but that's all I've seem to feel the last few days.

I'm sitting here doing the things I like to lessen the grief I'm still drowning in. Eating taco soup from a smile face bowl, listening to acoustic covers, writing about my baby boy hoping some day our paths will cross again.

My boyfriend often asks "do you think they know how much they are loved?"

Today my hope is that Moose knew how much he was loved when he was here with us and how much we're still loving him even though he is not physically here. I hope that he knows everything he left behind is still being loved so hard.

I hope all he can feel now is love



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