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Sober,

Updated: Nov 23, 2021

It's been one year and one day since I overdosed. Which means it's also been one year and one day since I mixed that fancy 4 part vodka 1 part blue gatorade drink, one year one day since I've stuck any straws, tampon applicators, bills and anything else unmentionable up my nose.


It's been one year since the addiction was taking my life.


It started with my time, being an active addict is time consuming. Going to parties, scoping drugs, getting them, running out, finding more until this vicious cycle has run its course. Sometimes it only lasting the hour, but more frequently lasting days, weeks and months on end. Drugs make time go by, sobering up makes time stop for addicts. Anyone who has come out of a cycle can understand what I mean when I say time stops.


After a while my addiction started to leave me flat broke. I didn't care about paying bills, rent, food or anything that went into my well being. My car ran lower than empty most of the time and I'd often only put the spare change I had left in the cupholder in the tank. I don't think my paychecks stayed in my pocket for more than a week. Even without anything I'd still be able to bend over backwards to get some sort of cash to get a fix.


Then it moved onto my friends, my family and people who cared about me. They listened with filters as they tried to decide what coming from my mouth was actually true. I lost a lot of people while I was actively addicted, I've lost just as many friends if not more while recovering as well. I don't judge people as soon as I meet them, but I now understand that being selective with who you allow in is beneficial.


It took all the love I had for myself and others and numbed me til I couldn't love. You knowhow it goes, "If you can't love yourself...."(Rupaul). After awhile I lost the desire to love anyone or even be loved. I accepted my fate as I had set myself up for continual failure in the months prior.


Lastly, that fucking addiction, it stole my will to live. If I couldn't have it, which at this point I was at a lot of dead ends, I didn't want to do anything. It had stolen everything which pissed me off, but it pissed me off even more that it hadn't taken me away yet. It had every other part and left nothing but the shell I was. Empty, broke, alone, broken and with no other option in sight I tried to take it all but it still didn't want me.


Here I am a year later, recovering still, enjoying the ride it has brought. Sobriety has brought the people I want to have in my lives here. It's given me the power to say no. It's made me a better me, and I'm so happy that I get to share this better version of me with you.


up&up

xxoo Hailey



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